I Was The Walrus.

listening to: mother - john lennon.
reading: nothing.
watching: nothing.
eating: air.
drinking: pear nectar.

i am snuggling into the sound of silence. filling my air with the breath from your lungs, the stale left-behinds of your soul in this tiny, compact room, and i wish your quirky laugh was here to fill this space.
despite the emptiness and cold air of my house after you left, i'm almost getting used to the dysfunctional way in which it's working, my room full of musical tunes, some chink, so i go into other rooms to make them work.

you said you're impressed with the way i handle things, the way that i throw maturity around as if it's an inflatable balloon, but i just desperately want to get it out of my hands so the static doesn't mess up my hair.
but your noogies do that anyway, you silly man in the dark purple suit.
if i were to reveal anything, it would be that i am not mature, i am not brave, and all i can do is sit here, with the tears falling onto my jean shorts, and the pear nectar dribbling down my chin, thinking how much tougher it could be, and how pathetic it is, that i can't handle what i have now.

but you make me happy, none the less. i feel your warmth, and i can hear your heartbeat, the only one i can listen to, it's deep, soft thud, not a tinny whomping like a guinea pig. and that's what is the best. i love you the way i love sparkly toes, the way i love glistening sweatdrops on noses, the way i love banana crisps, the way i love the smell before it rains, the way i love you with all the pieces that got thrown away by some other unimportant being.

you and her combined make up my confidence, my happiness and my soul.
you balance me out with your differences, you are the other two thirds of me, you make me who i am.
and the rest are just mortar that fill in the cracks of us three bricks.

Watching Me Burn.

listening to: four in the morning - gwen stefani.
reading: the true history of kelly and the gang.
watching: nothing.
eating: air.
drinking: fanta spider.

it was all so sudden. i just couldn't fathom it.
i was going to see your face in a week, your laugh would be right there, your smile, your tiny hands and your freckles directly beside me, linking arms and whispering, just like how i remember it.
it was already a bad day, i was already disoriented.
and suddenly it appears. the message on that social networking site. the most random occurance. the most brutal and direct confrontation that i had experienced since march this year.
there was your schoolID, looking at me with those same freckles and smile, but you were a ghost.
it was your mother. and she had come to be the bearer of bad news.
now it's united all our friends, together we stand, but we've all fallen separate.
nobody knows how to deal with it. knowing you won't be there anymore to shed light on situations.
all i can think about was the last thing you said to me. you were so right. i was so wrong.
wrong for not having seen you sooner. just one last time.
i wanted to hold you one last time, your cuddles were always the greatest.
even though you're gone now, i am positive that you will always be there in spirit.
i think of you every time i bust open a bag of rice wheelies.
you are in the palm of his hand now, babe.

i will never forget you.

Time Is Running Out.

listening to: cool - gwen stefani.
reading: nothing.
watching: michael jackson's this is it.
eating: banana paddlepop.
drinking: water.

a passing memory of you went by in a flash, the force of the fragments of image squealing their way through time and space, before they were gone; and there was absolute silence.
i used that small f-r-a-c-t-i-o-n of time to blank my mind, and think of nothing.
just white behind my retinas, swaying with my body a little, just to calm me down.

it's all over now. you aren't special. you aren't important. and you most certainly aren't a part of me. i've filled that space where your soul used to lie with candy bracelets, freshly discovered eateries, and a thriving sense of self. the two people who came after you are now first, and they have worked together to rebuild their web of love over the abyss that was the s p a c e you left.

i've delved into the cracks, and searched the dim lights, the rotting gutters where the prostitutes are slumped against walls, the rats chewing on five day old bread, the place where the people never see the sun, and only the suggestive lights of the district. and for what it's worth.

the other side WAS much greener.

an abstract painting which was supposed to resemble breasts, just a contortion of the only way i know how to describe that colour; the infamous dinosaur green. the eligible standard tone which is the world over associated with those prehistoric reptilius. searching for gifts to match each companion is assuredly my hardest task, but i find it worth it in the end, when each item screams the name of them, until my ears bleed from the pressure.

but i love you all. i miss you all. i need you all.